Handling Toxic People

Recently we talked about our restaurant experience where we had a lovely meal seriously diminished by a “toxic” server.  We thought there would be merit in discussing how we chose to handle this situation.  This is not to say our method was correct as every situation is different.  We feel that this issue of toxic people is worth bringing up in a staff meeting for discussion.  We should listen closely to how team members respond to various situations as that may provide a window into how they respond when under stress as well as provide a springboard for development of systems/scripts fort how to deal with a toxic client.

Our dinner experience began with a server who was so toxic that before he spoke his first words we know we were in “trouble”.  He technically did all the right things and said all the right words but we felt he would have been just as happy to pour water on the table and then throw the food on top.  This was doubly sad as the food was wonderful.  So, what did we do and what might we have done?

First, circumstance drives available actions.  We were guests of another couple so we could not get up and leave.  Had we been on our own we would have done so.  In the restaurant and service business there is no excuse for a lousy attitude. There are other places to eat.  That may be what some of your clients choose to do when confronted with a staff person with “attitude”.  Our hosts did not seem as sensitive to the situation when we arrived, but by the time we departed they too were aware of the toxic person serving our table.  This was sad as they were then embarrassed by having put all of us in this situation.

Would confronting our server have made a difference?  We doubt it.  Our emotional intelligence indicated that while he knew we were a table to be served, his mind was so angry over some other matter he was looking for an excuse to blow up.  He performed his functions mechanically – perhaps thinking he was being ”professional”- but seriously diminishing what should have been a lovely meal.

What did we do?  We did choose to leave a gratuity – he fulfilled all the necessary steps expected.  But we did not leave what we would have for great service with a smile.  We left a note with our bill with his name on it.  It said, “David – Your attitude turned a wonderful meal into a less than fun experience”.   It is unfair to allow this toxic behavior to continue, especially if the server is unaware that his attitude is showing much louder than words.  We asked the hostess for a private moment and explained our experience enough so that she could understand this person was a detriment to the business. Will our actions make a difference?   We hope that at least the staff in the kitchen will no longer be dealing with an unseen enemy.

If you have a toxic employee that you are not aware of pray that someone has guts enough to confront them constructively. Also, pray that they address you or another staff member about whatever the issues are.  There may be legitimate reasons for what happened or you may have an “unseen adversary”.  Either way, whether you do not know about it or choose to ignore a poor attitude you are doing everyone a disservice.  You will have clients leaving and just like on Trip Advisor they will be telling everyone all over town.

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Your Unseen Adversary

We recently had the opportunity to have dinner in one of the best restaurants in our area.  The chef is well known for paring sea food and beef with unusual sauces and vegetables that enhance the flavors of all the elements involved.  When our meal arrived we were not disappointed.  The plates were a work of art and the food was wonderful.  We choose to eat our salad after the entrée.  When the salad arrived it too was a taste and visual delight.

The evening was most memorable however, for the unseen adversary that the chef and hostess were battling - Our Server.  Let’s call him David.  When we were seated our hostess advised us David would be our server.  When he arrived we knew we were in for an “experience” even before he spoke.  You could feel the negative aura before his first surly response.  Everything David did was correct and “by the book” for a professional service person.  However his attitude was so pervasive the wonderful food was diminished.

So what?  The question is do you have a David in your practice?  If you do what will you do about it?  Just because our staff can do procedures and say correct words does not mean our clients are getting a positive experience.  We do not know what David’s “problem” was but it was coming out without him speaking. 

We must take time with our staff to educate them about proper and expected behavior.  Our staff should be able to model what they see in us – a passion for helping others learn to help themselves, concern for the body, mind and spirit of those we serve, joy in providing the highest level of care we are capable of.  Much of this comes with developing a level of emotional intelligence.  This is the capacity to actively listen to others and to see and understand our emotional response to the situation at hand.  It is imperative that we are able to trust our staff to say and do the right thing at the right time without us present.  This is accountability.

How can we know that this is happening?  We must take time to role play.  You can call it “scripting” or any other term but there is no other way.  You must be an active participant not the dictator.  Decide on an issue to discuss.  Work out how it will be handled and what will be said in detail as a group.  People may not use the exact same words but the message must be the same.  Empower the staff to help one another when they see someone need help.  If someone on the staff is unwilling to engage and participate for the benefit of all that is a red flag.  That person needs a private time with you and perhaps a path to another career.

Too often, we look for appearance, mechanical skills or a resume and forget that our staff is the presence and voice of our business that impacts clients far more than our technical time in an operatory.  Our restaurant experience had three out of four elements right and was ruined by one person with a lousy attitude.  Don’t let something going on behind the scenes in your office cause people to look for another dentist down the street.

Next post we will discuss how we chose to handle David and what we might do differently in the future.

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